If you’re like any normal red-blooded American then you probably watch “Home Alone” during the holiday season. I mean, it’s essential Christmastime viewing along with the other classics like “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” (NOT THE FUCKING JIM CARREY VERSION GODDAMNIT), “It’s A Wonderful Life,” “A Muppet Christmas Carol,” “Love Actually,” “Die Hard,” “Lethal Weapon” and “Schindler’s List.” But unlike all of those care-free, light family films, “Home Alone” is actually very dark. In fact it’s pretty much a Christmas version of “A Clockwork Orange.” But of course, we all assume that it’s merely a nice family film about a plucky and resourceful eight-year-old boy who defends his home against those wacky criminals known as “The Sticky Bandits.” Sorry, I mean “Wet Bandits.” But underneath all of the “comedy” lies a darker, more sinister story- the story of how Kevin McCallister becomes a sociopath.
Now, I’m sure you’re all familiar with the story but if you don’t know it (because you’re obviously a Communist) it’s about Kevin McCallister who is pretty much the Meg of his family- siblings don’t like him, relatives treat him like shit, parents ignore him and he’s tortured by his sleazy older brother named “Buzz.” Clearly, Kevin already has issues.
So once he’s left home alone he’s forced to fend for himself and at first it’s all fun and games: He runs around, eats junk food, jumps on the bed, watches violent movies, looks at porn, plays with his brother’s BB Gun, destroys his room, and lets loose a deadly and probably poisonous tarantula to wander around his house. You know? Normal things that all eight year olds would do if they were left home alone in what has got to be the safest neighborhood in the country. But like I said, this is the fun part. Kevin is being a kid. But things soon start to take a turn to the dark side.
It begins when he does the simple task of ordering a pizza. Instead of just simply answering the door and paying like a normal person, he plays a violent Scarface-like film up to full volume and pretends to be an angry gangster who starts shooting just to scare the shit outta the poor teenage delivery boy (who is probably working this shit job just to save up for a car or something) just so that no one finds out that he’s home alone. And while I’m on this subject, why didn’t the goddamn delivery boy call the cops after this shit happened?! He was just shot at for Christ’s sake! And no one investigates this! Really? Sigh…But I digress…
Anyways, so after this is when the “fun” really begins. The Wet Bandits have been robbing all of the houses in the neighborhood because apparently all of the families have gone on vacation. At the same time. The entire neighborhood. Everyone. They’re rich and it was the 90’s. Whatever. So they try to rob Kevin’s house. And instead of just calling the cops and saying “Yo, these two comically unrealistic thieves are gonna rob my house. Send some help. I am rich and white” he decides to booby trap the goddamn house. Why? Because he’s a sociopath.
First, he shoots them point black with the BB Gun— one in the balls and the other in the head. I know it’s just a BB Gun, but still… who does that?! Sure, it was maybe a “warning” shot to let them know that he’s armed, but that’s still pretty messed up. And I’m sure shooting someone with a BB Gun point black will leave some pretty lasting damage. I don’t think Harry is ever gonna have kids. He was literally shot in the balls. But of course we laugh because… well, he literally got shot in the balls and lets fact it, that’s just funny. Moving on.
After finally entering the house, Marv gets hit in the head with an iron, has his socks stuck in tar and steps on what I’m pretty sure is a rusty nail. Now, they’re thieves so I’m fairly certain that this son of a bitch doesn’t have health insurance. So congratulations Kevin! You have just given poor Marv tetanus. The bastard’s gonna wake up the next day with lock jaw but whatever. And as for Harry, well he gets a second degree burn on his hand from touching a scorching hot door handle.. And that’s not cool either. That shit could get infected. He could literally lose the hand. I know these things. I’m certified in First Aid. But the “fun” doesn’t stop there because Kevin, in his state of pyromania, burns Harry’s head, which I’m sure also causes serious scalp and skull damage. But hey, fuck Harry. He’s a thief. Am I right?
But now they’re finally inside of the house, though not before poor Marv gets his feet jabbed with broken Christmas tree ornaments, probably causing even more infections, and Harry gets feathered. Kevin is now clearly just toying with them. You know, like how killers tend to toy with their victims.
But the “fun” doesn’t end there because once they’re inside, Kevin pelts them both in the face with full, yes full, paint cans. Now, I’m not a doctor (though I can say I am, but that wouldn’t be true), but I’m pretty sure that getting hit in the face with full paint cans can seriously kill someone. If not, then they should at least have some serious facial damage, not to mention being knocked unconscious for several hours. Does Kevin know this? Maybe. Maybe not. But good rule of thumb, don’t fucking hit people with full paint cans because you could kill them. And after that, he then decides to put the probably poisonous tarantula, which by the way has been wandering around the goddamn house all week and has got to be starving at this point, on poor Marv. And let’s be clear, Marv could be allergic to this goddamn thing. Kevin doesn’t know this! And I don’t think Marv has an EpiPen with him, but whatever because it’s “funny.”
So finally after mercilessly torturing them- I mean toying with them- he finally decides to call the goddamn cops. They arrive just in the nick of time. So they get arrested and Kevin just smiles at them like Damien in The Omen. He’s reunited with his parents and we all laugh and cry because the movie is over. The end.
Except not really because Kevin is probably gonna grow up thinking that he can get away with murder because he’s rich and will probably become the next Patrick Bateman. And the only reason why he wasn’t charged with some kinda crime at the end of this “family film” is because he’s got a serious case of “Affluenza.”